


Letters of Vertigo

by brumalbreeze



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-18
Updated: 2012-03-23
Packaged: 2017-11-02 03:19:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brumalbreeze/pseuds/brumalbreeze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dear dad,</p><p>i found your letter. it was on my bed, just waiting for me. to be honest, i didn't really know how to react to it, but here i am writing a letter to you! i know it's super late, trying to respond to you now, but i can't really TELL you, so this will have to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey there! I haven't posted anything in a while. This is actually a pretty old work (I finished this before we met the Alpha kids) so there are going to be some discrepancies between the canon timeline and this story! I hope you guys will like this. C=

Son,

By the time you are reading this note, I am probably gone, and you would have successfully defeated the game. I know that you are a very strong and capable young man, and I am very, very proud of you, John. I’m sorry that I am no longer around to help you, but after all that you have gone through, I have faith that you will be alright.

I know I never told you much about what I had expected of you, but I’m glad that you were able to take on everything as it were. It takes a lot of courage and mangrit to be able to struggle through the game like you and your friends, but you did well. 

Things will be difficult for you now, but you must always remember to stay positive and do your best. I wish I could be there for you forever, but life does not work that way. It’s true that life doesn’t usually work out like it had in your game session, but that’s just an example of how you can’t always control everything.

However, regardless of everything that has happened, I just wanted to tell you that I’m so proud of you, John, and I love you very much. I’m sorry all this happened on your momentous, thirteenth birthday, but it was meant to happen, and it already has.

Do your best out there, son, and make me proud, just like you always have. I will always be here for you, John.

Love,  
Dad

* * *

dear dad,

i found your letter. it was on my bed, just waiting for me. to be honest, i didn't really know how to react to it, but here i am writing a letter to you! i know it's super late, trying to respond to you now, but i can't really TELL you, so this will have to do.

i'm sorry that i never really took your notes seriously. when i first read them, they all seemed so silly! i never thought that there would be a day where i would look back at them and feel so much pain in my chest. and even though i'm sitting RIGHT at home, i still feel incredibly homesick. i guess you were the one who really made home "home."

did you know how surprised i was, when i saw you on the battlefield??? i didn't expect you to be there! i wish i had gotten the chance to say hi to you again. or, i guess, bye. i'm still kind of upset by that, since that was actually our last time seeing each other, but there's no going back in time now, huh? i still can't help but wonder if you were going to spray aftershave in my face instead of hug me, had i gotten to the other side! hehehe.

...

dad, i really miss you. i miss having to dodge buckets of water every time i open a door, trying to fight with you using pies, and fooling you with all sorts of silly disguises. i even miss the cakes you bake!!! (okay, maybe i don't miss them THAT much, but i still do! sort of.)

i wish... i wish i had been able to tell you all these things when you were still here, but it's really like how people say it: "you never really know how much you will miss someone until they're gone." i regret this a lot now, but it's too late, and i miss you.

i love you, dad. i love you so much. i'm sorry i wasn't able to tell you that more, before you were gone. i'll do my best to make you proud, so don't worry about me, okay? i'm always, always, ALWAYS going to do my best for you.

love,  
john


	2. Chapter 2

dear karkat,

um, gosh. i don’t really know how to start this letter! hehehe. i guess i’m still not really sure what to say yet, except maybe that it’s kind of weird seeing how everything “started over.” i… i thought that maybe dad would be back, but after checking with rose, dave, and jade and hearing that none of their guardians are back, i guess that wasn’t meant to happen. that should mean that your dad—um, lusus???—didn’t come back either, huh?

i’m actually really sad about that, but i guess it can’t be helped!! i still wish though, you know. since we got a second chance, i was kind of hoping that THEY would get a second chance too. but then again, it’s pretty lucky of us to even get a second chance to begin with.

it’s strange, coming back to earth and seeing everything and everyone doing okay. it’s like nothing happened, you know? it’s hard to believe that something like sburb happened, and it takes me so many times to think about it just to remember that it DID happen, and that i wasn’t just hallucinating. even though it was such a big thing, with everyone around us acting like nothing went on, it’s hard. karkat, it’s hard being the only one who remembers. it’s hard, and nobody understands. well, i mean, rose, dave, and jade do, but… you get what i’m saying, right? hehehe.

by the way, none of us can find you guys on our pesterchum accounts. since you haven’t trolled us yet, i guess maybe you guys don’t have our information anymore either!!! i wish i could know how everything turned out with you too, but there’s no way to communicate with you now….

i hope you’re doing okay, karkat. even if we can’t talk to each other, i know we’ll still be friends!

~john

* * *

dear john,

i kind of cant believe it, but we're home again!!! everything on the island is okay, but i guess i never really realized how lonely things were here until now, since bec is gone....... :( he was a very good dog and my best friend (after you guys of course!!!), and i really REALLY miss him! when i came back, the first thing i did was try to look for him, even though i knew he wasnt on the island anymore. not having him greet me like he always does really hurt somehow....... i grew up with him, so its hard to believe that hes gone now.... 

um, sorry!! i didnt mean to sound all sad in this letter, because you know how much i hate seeing you upset!!! i just... i dont know, actually! i think its just super strange that im really here all alone. even grandpa isnt as intimidating now. im not sure how thats possible. :/ 

i wonder how rose and dave are doing??? the last time i heard from them, they were kind of busy trying to look around their own homes. we're all just really busy lately, huh? what about you, john? are things kind of different on your side too? i know its been a while since we settled back down, but still!!! i dont think any of us are ready to go back to "regular life" after sburb! i hope youre doing okay!!!

ummm, i think thats all i have to say for now!!! write back to me soon, john! even though letters take foreeeeever getting here, id still really like to see something from you!!!

<3  
jade

* * *

dear karkat,

i don’t really expect you to get my letters, but somehow, writing them makes me feel a lot better. talking to the others help a lot too, but i just kinda wish that you could keep up-to-date with me too! … in a way, i suppose.

i didn’t really talk about it in my last letter, but the four of us are doing great. it’s a little bizarre, but all of our guardians had left us a lot of money to live off of, so we don’t have to worry about living expenses. i guess they all knew what was going to happen and left us all a safety net.

i invited jade to come live with me, because it was so strange living by myself and since she’s technically my “sister.” she was getting really lonely on her island too, so i thought it’d be nice if we just lived in my house! it’s fun finally having a sibling! sometimes, we stay up late and talk about sburb, you guys, dave and rose, and a whooole bunch of other things! this sounds a little silly, but we both get really homesick, even though we’re right at home. do you feel like that too, sometimes? jade gets really upset at times, when we talk (and i’ll admit to having cried too! but just a little bit!!!), but she’s got me, and we’ll be okay.

dave and rose moved in together as well. dave had to bring all his stuff to the lalonde household, because rose’s place was soooo much bigger. he complained a lot, but i think he’s thankful that rose is there for him. :) he won’t ever admit to it, unless it’s ironically. i bet he and rose have a lot of sarcastic/ironic arguments!!! it’s probably a lot of fun. maybe jade and i will visit them sometime!

we still chat with each other a lot on pesterchum, but it’s not the same somehow. rose says it’s because we’ve all changed so much, and i think she’s right. but no matter what, we went through everything together, and there’s no one else out there who know exactly how we feel, so we’re going to be sticking close always! 

okay, karkat. that’s all i have to say for now. i wish i could hear from you too….

~john

* * *

Mother,

Perhaps it might be a bit late to be conducting this type of a letter to you now, but you always told me that it was “better late than never.” I still don’t know if you meant that in a passive-aggressive way to clean my room, but I’m using it now, just to make things equal. If they ever needed to be.

Even though it’s kind of bizarre to think of you as my mother, you were still there for me all these years, and I feel like, maybe, I have projected your actions as things far more despicable than you meant originally. Your late-night house-cleaning undertakings were always impractical to me, but I will let such actions of yours slide.

Someone once told me that “a mother will always do whatever is best for her children.” I don’t know how true that statement is, or if I would ever ask you, even if you were here, but it makes me wonder. The things you did for me throughout my entire life—did you intend for them to be the best for me? The wizard statues, the expensive frame, Jasper’s tomb: did you really buy those to make me happy? These will be questions I don’t believe I will be able to answer, even if I psychoanalyze them from every possible angle.

And, perhaps, some things are better left unanswered. That’s something I learned the hard way.

I suppose that, at this point in my epistle, a note of gratitude should be left for all the years you have taken care of me. I’m not implying that I didn’t appreciate your eccentric manner of child-rearing, but they were always a little disconcerting. Nevertheless, now that you are gone, it would be rude of me to not leave at least the slightest mention of thankfulness toward you. Therefore, Mother, thank you.

Also, I hope you don’t mind that I invited Dave Strider to live in our house. I don’t believe you would be able to make much of a complaint anyway, but I wanted to let you know anyway, as a sign of respect.

Rose

* * *

sup

jade keeps fucking insisting that i write one of these shitty letters or whatever but i dont even know why she does it. its not like i have anything to say to you anyway. whatever im just going to pretend that im writing and get her off my case.

dave

* * *

shit now rose on my case about it. something about making jade upset. they just dont give up. goddamn it this is annoying. why the hell do they even want me to write something sappy and sentimental as a letter. who the fuck even writes letters anymore? ill just keep writing this ironically.

yeah okay rose just let me bust out my diamond-encrusted ink pen and start laying down some sick beats onto this gilded parchment paper i have lying around the place. ill be using my own fucking blood just to make sure im being sincere enough. give me a second to cross my ts and dot my curly is. ive gotta start hymns dedicated to the life and undertaking of this glorious hunk of manbeast if you dont mind so just give me a second. frame this fucker up in uv protected bulletproof glass on an authentic gold frame after im done too.

fuck that was stupid. okay i dont know what to write so. i dont know. should i be thanking you or whatever? jade keeps telling me to do that and that its not healthy to keep everything inside but i think shes just trying to screw with my mind.

alright you were kind of a cool older bro and im not gonna deny that i looked up to you. i dont think any kid out there was as lucky as me to have a bro like you but the shit you were up to was always pretty legit. but now youre dead so its not like any of that counts anymore. who the fuck cares about what dead people did anyway.

so thanks for taking care of me and fucking my life over so i could win at sburb or whatever. you basically freaked the hell out of me every time you showed up but its all cool. nothing i couldnt handle.

i guess its time to take egberts advice. i gotta get out of your shadow and spread my wings. this coolbird has to fly.

peace dawg  
dave


	3. Chapter 3

dear karkat,

hey, did you know that on earth, there’s always an annual meteor shower? dad and i used to drive up to the mountains with some blankets and lie on the ground to watch. it’s actually pretty neat! when i was younger, i’d always use to fall asleep before it ended and wake up bundled up in bed, but as i grew up, i was able to stay awake and watch as the last star passes by.

dad always used tell me to make wishes, but a guy could only have so many wishes for one night! hehehe! it was always super difficult to think of wishes, but i think the one i hoped for most was just to stay with dad and be happy. i’m not really sure how that worked out, but i guess it’s kind of silly to even believe that shooting stars can grant you wishes, huh?

actually, i don’t really know why i’m telling you this! oh! i think it’s because i was thinking about our last/first conversation! do you remember it? sorry, you told me never to bring it up again, but i don’t think you’ll mind. hehehe. umm, gosh! what was it that you said…

haha, i remember now! you were saying how you made the stars for me. in retrospect, i don’t think you literally meant just for ME, but that was still kind of cheesy. i mean, seriously, karkat. even if i heard that in a cage with nic cage in it, i’d probably laugh!! wait, i’m really getting off topic now!

well, i was just trying to say that our last/first conversation just reminded me of the stars, which led to me thinking about the meteor showers. i think that, if i go see them again this year (with jade!) i would know what to wish for. i’d wish to see you and the other trolls again! or maybe just to get the chance to be able to talk with you all. i’d be okay with that too. :)

but i think it would be suuuper awesome if you and i were able to watch the showers one day. i’ll even let you brag all about the stars you “made for me”! see, aren’t i nice? :D

write to you soon!

~john

* * *

dear rose,

its kind of cool living with john in washington! it took a while to get used to, but i think ill eventually get the hang of it. the house isnt as big as the one on the island, but its so much less lonelier! i didnt think id be this shy, but finding myself in the middle of a busy little neighborhood was a biiiiig change for me!!!

we share a room now, because john doesnt want to change things in his dads room. i understand that, and its not like i mind sharing! ive never shared a room with anyone before, so its kind of like an adventure to me!!!

we have an extra bed, and he let me decorate half his (oops, i meant our!) room. i didnt put all my squiddles in the place though! theyre making friends with the harlequins all over the house!!!

theres this really nice swing set in the front yard too. john and i like going out there sometimes and playing on it. i like the pogo ride too, but john always tells me to be careful on it! i bet its because hes always hurt himself on it before!!! :P

the weather here is a lot cooler than what im used to, and john tells me that the trees will start to change colors and look really pretty once the months pass, and that it will snow during winter. itll probably remind me a lot of lofaf!

speaking of lofaf and sburb, im still not really sure what to make of it to this day..... it was a different experience to go through, but i sitll feel super sad about what happened. i dont know if john feels the same way, but when we talk about it, he always gets this super faraway look in his eyes, like hes thinking about something really important to him. i never asked him, because it seemed so personal, and i think it would hurt him if i did. i wonder what it could be? i bet hes thinking about when he could fly!! i really miss being able to do that too, so i get where hes coming from.

oh! john told me that, if i wanted, we could get a puppy. i know hes just trying to be nice and make me feel better, but i dont think i could ever replace bec.... john is really very sweet though, rose! im glad to have him as my "brother"! hehehe.

by the way, how are you and dave??? john and i always joke about your sarcastic has rap-offs, but i cant imagine YOU doing that!!! maybe you leave pieces of poetry all over his room instead?? :)

okay, im going to end this letter now! i hope you write back soooon!

<3  
jade

* * *

Jade,

Thank you for your thoughtful letter. I really enjoyed hearing from you. Even though we often talk online, it's always nice to see a piece of physical paper before me, and your ever-familiar handwriting exuding all the trickles of joy to me.

I am glad to hear that you are acclimating well to Washington. Dave has been having the same problems with the weather, being a Southerner through and through. He keeps pretending to be fine, but it’s actually rather silly as he shivers in his coolkid tee-shirts. I don’t know how he’ll manage when it starts snowing, however. Perhaps I will be able to entice him to wear one of the sweaters I’ve been knitting. I’m well trained in the art of reverse psychology, though Dave is quite the formidable opponent.

You and John are very silly to think that. Dave and I do not have “sarcastic hash rap-offs,” as you put it, though we do have highly sophisticated conversations with each other whenever we meet in the hallways, or during mealtimes. It’s good practice for me, since it helps expand my grasp of my skills. He really is a stubborn one.

I’m positive that, if I knit an ugly enough sweater, he would wear it “ironically.”

I’m sure that you two will be fine, Jade. You don’t have to worry about us either. Dave and I will be able to take care of ourselves, so be well and stop fussing over us.

Take care.  
Rose

* * *

dear karkat,

father’s day just passed, and i didn't really know what to do. we never made a big deal out of it, dad and i, but now that he's gone, i just felt really upset. jade tried her best to console me, but she never had a real father figure to look up to. the same goes for dave too!

rose had to go through mother's day without her mom too, but i don't really understand how she could have gone through it without feeling too badly. maybe she's stronger than i am, or she didn't want to make us worry! she sent me a letter earlier to cheer me up though.

do you have something like that too? a day to celebrate your guardian? um, i guess it would be called "lulsus's day"! but that sounds kind of stupid. hehehe....

i'm not sure how i'll really get used to it, but missing dad really hurts...

~john

* * *

sup egbert

the girls keep writing a whole mess of letters like its going out of fashion. like whoa stop the presses. dictating letters is becoming old so lets hurry and churn out as many of these suckers as we can before its overrated. lets write them on our lace handkerchiefs and glue rosebuds grown on tears from cherubs crying for humanity and peace on them. send them out in cute little envelopes dusted in pink glitter and drenched in chanel no. 62. curl fucking ribbons on these letters man. ill even put a drop of blood on it to prove its authenticity. here let me press a lipsticked kiss onto the corner for you so you can fondly regard it when youre busy wanking off at night. okay fuck this. 

the weather up here is ridiculous. its like god is on his period and just starts throwing temper tantrums for fun but i guess its better than burning up all the time in texas. its always like fucking christmas up here. i dont know how the hell you and rose deals with this crap but i bet youd just die if you came down to where i lived. shrivel up faster than a jellyfish on a heating plate.

anyway rose keeps making me wear the godawful looking sweaters she knits. i saw her stuff more of them in that care package thing she said she was sending to you and jade. something about matching sweaters or whatever the hell. i think shes just trying to make me wear them ironically. i might as well humor her. its really either that or having to duke it out passive-aggressively with her all the time. what is up with that anyway? weird shit. i swear its weirder than the shit i had to go through with bro.

alright im out. im not going to make this like a fucking love letter. 

keep it real bro


	4. Chapter 4

dear karkat,

jade and i went up to the mountains last weekend to see the meteor showers i told you about a few months ago. she was really excited to see so many shooting stars, and we had a lot of fun! every time she saw a star go across the sky, she would tug on my arm and squeal really loudly, but i didn't mind, because i was doing the exact same thing!!

jade even brought an astrology book to try and find all the constellations, but the only one we were actually able to find was the big dipper. i can't be sure, but i think i found your constellation too! hehehe. i guess we're not really cut out to be star-gazers!

i kept wondering where you guys might be in that huge sky of ours, karkat. as the night went on, the sky kept turning around above us, and i just kept looking, hoping that i would somehow be able to find where alternia would be. i bet i was looking in the complete wrong direction!!

i told rose and dave about the showers too, and they said they watched it, though they didn't have to go very far away from home. since the lalonde household is in the middle of nowhere, it wasn't like there was a lot of light pollution they had to deal with. i'm so jealous, because rose and dave got to use the super big telescope they have! i have one too, but i don't think mine is anywhere as awesome as theirs. oh well! it was still really nice to be able to see the meteors again.

still, it was my first year watching them without dad, so it felt really strange. somehow, i felt as if he were still there, lying next to me, quietly smoking his pipe and murmuring something about the stars to me. he'll probably always be with me, even if he's not REALLY here. i think that's how you know if you really love someone, huh?

oops, look at me getting all sappy and stuff! i bet you're making faces at me now, but that's okay! i just wanted to let you know. :)

bye karkat!!!

~john

* * *

dear dave,

i just wanted to write to you to talk about the cool weather changes going on here in washington!! i know john already told me that the leaves would start changing colors and fall off the branches of the trees, but seeing it in action is something else!!!! everything is soooo pretty, and i didnt think it would actually be THIS nice!

how about in new york?? are the trees around you guys changing colors too? but i heard that rose only has coniferous trees around the house, so maybe theyll just stay green all year long. thatd be too bad, but dont worry! i took some pictures of the trees around washington and put it here for you guys. i hope you like them!!!!

its kind of hard getting used to how cold everything is here. johns okay with it, since hes grown up in this type of weather, but its always just been really hot and humid on the island! seeing john walk outside with a short-sleeved shirt and shorts is super weird, especially when i have to have a sweater on! he doesnt tease me or anything, so i guess its alright!! maybe ill get used to this eventually.

rose told me that you wouldnt agree to wearing a little more instead of pretending you were okay! is this true dave????? you know john and i would be really upset if you accidentally got sick if the cold weakened your immune system!! take care of yourself, okay? or else well be really sad and make rose give you really nasty tasting medicines! hehehe. :B

dont be too stubborn!!!

<3  
jade

* * *

dear karkat,

rose just sent jade and me two really nice sweaters she knitted! she said that dave and she have one each, so we all have matching sweaters now! dave says they're ugly, but i think they're pretty awesome! rose was even able to knit the designs of our shirts on. it's so cool. they're here just in time for the colder months too. :)

speaking of which, it's almost december. that means it's nearly rose, dave, and jade's birthdays as well as christmas! phew, it's going to take a lot of brainpower to figure out what i should get them all! at least it'll be easier giving jade her gift.

i don't think i've ever told you, but sending her things took MONTHS to get there. it was kind of annoying, to be honest. :(

i guess sending YOU a gift or letter would take even longer! well, i never tried, so i guess i'll never know. i'm not sure what i'm doing with all these letters, actually... :/

~john

* * *

dear karkat,

this is going to sound soooo stupid to you, and you're probably going to laugh, but i don't really care right now, because i feel so terrible. :( jade and i have been living together for almost half a year now (gosh, i don't really know if you understand what i mean! i don't even know if you guys have different ways to count time!! oh well!), and we've been doing really well with each other, but we finally had our first fight the other day. it was something really, really silly too, but now she won't talk to me! and i guess i'm still a little upset at her....

i can't really remember the last time i was actually MAD at someone (as in, legitimately mad, not just kind of grumpy!), but this time was really bad.

back then, i would get a little angry at dad, but it wasn't like i wouldn't talk to him for days and days! i mean, usually, i would just go back to him and apologize, and he would bake me a cake or something (yuck!)... he has a really weird way of apologizing, now that i think of it! but maybe that's just what he thought was best for me.

umm. and i guess i was kind of angry at you too, when you first started trolling me from my point of view! but i was more irritated and annoyed more than anything.

i actually don't know what to do now! i should probably talk to jade and try to resolve the issue, but i don't really know how to approach her. :/ she keeps huffing and avoiding me, which is kind of awkward, because the house isn't that big.... still, it feels super bad, because we used to eat together, and now we just kind of make food for ourselves and eat in separate rooms...

in a way, i just want us to be okay with each other again, so we can talk and laugh again!

no wonder they say that "i'm sorry" is one of the hardest things to say to someone!! especially if you really do mean it. (i guess "i love you" is really hard to say too, but "i'm sorry" is definitely among the list of "difficult things to say to someone if you really mean what you are saying"! wow, that sounds exactly like one of your weird movie titles...)

... i'm going to try and talk to her now, karkat. wish me luck!

~john

* * *

dear rose,

thanks so much for helping me out the other day! i wasnt sure how to deal with john, but im so glad you were able to help me figure things out!!! i know ive been angry at people before, but this time was kind of different, since i could actually talk to john face to face. the only other time that i really remember i got angry was when karkat was bugging me, but i guess that kiiiiind of wasnt his fault????

anyway, um, you were right though!!! i really think the reason why we hadnt gotten in a fight until now was because we were so careful with each other. ummmm, how did you say it??? we were still treating each other as guests!! but now that weve settled in a little more, things just got kinda bad, huh?

oh well! now that weve talked it over and laid out some ground rules, i think were going to be okay! at least for a little while. its still kind of silly to think back and realize that we had been upset at each other because of..................... TOOTHBRUSHES!!!! :B hehehehe!

were you able to help me out before because you and dave got into a fight before too?? dave doesnt really send john or me any letters (but he totally should!!!!!! its so fun, and i would love to hear from him! im sure john would too! rose, you HAVE to make him write to us more!), and you dont talk much about the problems you have over at your place either! its like you two are keeping SECRETS from john and me! hehehe! just kidding, of course! i know you two just dont want to make us worry, but still!! were all friends, so you have to let us worry about you SOMEtimes! :) promise me that you will, okay, rose??

thanks again, rose! it feels so much better, now that john and i are on talking terms again! being angry takes a looooooot of energy!!! i dont think i will be angry if i can help it anymore. id rather be happy, because it so much more fun. :DDD

okay, id better go now! write to us more!! and dave too!!!!!!

<3  
jade

* * *

hey jade

so for the past few weeks rose has been dropping subtle as fucking atomic bombs hints on me and i think shes trying to tell me something. she went as far as rearranging all my shitty swords in the fridge at least seven times alphabetically by size era and metal type. then she bought an entire sword rack to keep them in and got a second fridge for food. if thats not some sort of sign i dont know what is. im just going to make her stop all these shenanigans and write a letter to you. itll probably make her stop for a while.

but hey no offense to you or anything. writing letters just isnt my thing you know? you should feel fucking honored that dave strider is actually taking his time to write on a piece of paper and send it off in a little envelope to you. i even dotted all the is with tiny hearts just for you. shit youd better take notes on this and tuck it under your pillow afterward so you can take it out at night to sniffle and shed a tear over. this shits legit. and when your girfriends are chilling with you can give them a sneak peek and let them swoon and faint over the beautiful writing that is dave striders. sell it on ebay after a few years and rake in all that dough. 

anyway you were still asking me about the meteor showers in your last letter so i might as well get back to you on that. they were pretty cool. the stars i mean. rose put all this shit up in the observatory and insisted that we tried to find all the constellations while we were up there. i kept a star journal for the sake of irony. i dont even know how high people had to be to connect six stars and see a fucking set of scales from it. who the shit even thinks of these things?

fuck if i know. hope this letter was good enough for you. i think thats all there really is to say on the matter.

stay cool  
dave


	5. Chapter 5

John,

Since the extremely commercialized, yet sentimental and ever-important, holiday of Christmas approaches, I would like to cordially extend an invitation to you and Jade to the Lalonde-Strider household. It has been a very long time since we have all met up, and I'm sure that Jade will appreciate this gesture very much. I believe it is high time for the four of us to regroup and celebrate at least one of these events together, if only for the mere sake of friendship and hospitality.

I'm sure we will have much fun, decorating the house and finding an appropriate tree to festoon. However, it strikes me that Jade might not want to cut down the tree, and we will be forced to take all the decorations out into the middle of the forest and plug the lights into the backup generator. We must devise some way to dissuade her from this projected line of actions, but rest assured, John. We will find time to make a series of snow angels, even amongst all these mind-numbing conundrums. I would hate to deprive you of your favorite winter activity.

In any case, both Dave and I look forward to seeing you two again. I predict he will probably take over the sound systems and rig his improvised "sick beats" to replace my appropriately and not-at-all cynically chosen festive carols, but I am not overly concerned about that. If neither you nor Jade mind being slightly deafened, I'm positive I can drown out his mildly ludicrous slam poetry with back-up Christmas noels. I suppose this would be a suitable time to advise the packing of ear plugs along with your winter-wear.

See you soon.

Rose

* * *

deark karkat,

wow, so much has happened in the past few weeks, i don't even know where to begin! hehehe! i guess i'll have to go back to when rose and dave invited jade and me to their place to hang for christmas and new years! it was pretty funny, how everything happened, because rose guessed a whole bunch of stuff in her invitational letter, and it all came true!!!! man, she is like psychic or something! kind of like how jade was before... well, you know. before her dream-self was killed.

um. yeah... uh, sorry, i didn't mean to.... gosh, i would totally go back and write that over, if this wasn't the last sheet of paper i have! i gotta remind jade to put that on our list of "things to buy" later!

anyway! long story short, rose convinced jade to pick a tree close to the house, so we wouldn't have to keep everything in our fetch modus and lug the back-up generator out into the middle of nowhere, because jade didn't want to kill the poor tree! i guess i get where she's coming from, but gosh! she was really going to pick one, like, five miles away from the house!!! thank goodness rose changed her mind!

and then dave and rose had a music blast-off. we had an interesting mix of dave's raps and rose's super sappy christmas songs for the entire night! i'm so glad rose lives out in the middle of nowhere, or else we probably would have gotten a bunch of complaints from the neighbors! but the bad thing is that we all ended up a little deaf by the end of the night, even with our ear plugs. wow, i'm glad jade and i only fight by giving each other the silent treatment. the lalonde-strider household has some super INTENSE battles!

we had a lot of fun making snow angels and snowmen too, except rose and jade made snow squiddles, and i'm not sure what dave and i made. :/ maybe you can try to figure it out from the pictures i'm putting in here!

gosh, i would tell you what we gave each other for christmas too, but i am running out of space on my only piece of paper left!!!! i'll just say that they were all really cool though! :) and we watched fireworks on new years too. rose had them shipped from china. i thought it was a little excessive, but she INSISTED, so we couldn't really do anything! at least we didn't accidentally light things on fire. that would have been sooo bad.

but it was so nice to all be together and hang out. i think we spent most of our time just talking to each other. yeah, even though we send letters all the time and chat online, it's always different when you talk to someone face-to-face! suddenly, it's like we all had a bunch of stuff to say and hardly any time to say it. it was pretty cool, actually. but i wonder when we'll get another chance like this. it's kind of difficult, and i'm sure i'm going to miss them a lot. maybe that's just part of growing up. i suppose that, sooner or later, we will all have to say "good-bye." it's kind of depressing to think about it that way, but it's inevitable, huh?

okay, i'm seriously squeezing all my words now, so i'm just going to end this here! i'll tell you more in my next letter! bye karkat!!

~john

* * *

dear dave,

i'm kind of worried about john........ ive noticed that hes been kind of down after we left new york for home. at first, he was acting normal, but now, hes getting worse and worse, and i dont know what to do! i try to talk to him and ask him whats wrong, but he doesnt really answer... i dont want to push him too far, so i just leave him alone for a while, so he can clear his mind. sometimes, well be talking and he just kind of gets really quiet and sad-looking.... it really breaks my heart, and i wish there was something i could do for him. 

i think hes been having bad dreams lately too. i woke up once or twice, because he was thrashing around in bed really badly. i tried waking him up, but it didnt work. at least putting my hand on his arm would make him calm down, but he never really WAKES. he mumbles a lot too, though i cant hear what he says.

the other night, he was crying in his sleep...............

dave, its so hard to know what to do. this isnt like back then, when i could dream and see things that will go on in the future. at least, then, i could try to predict what would happen and try to make sure they happened correctly! now its just one timeline and a million choices to make.

i know we kind of stopped talking about sburb together, but weve all been trying hard to find the trolls too, right? i know that john does, and rose told me about her own researches once. you and i must be doing the same too. and yet, as the months pass, its like the entire thing just kind of fades away, even though we dont really want to forget it.

i wonder if thats whats bothering john so much........ it has been getting closer and closer to april, after all. maybe, all this time, hes just been hoping that we would somehow be able to reach them again. i think we all need some sort of closure!!!

but im not really sure! rose is much better at these things than i am, after all!

in the end, i just hope im being silly and overthinking things. maybe hes just suffering a bout of "winter blues"!

.... somehow, im not really convinced thats the problem though.......

<3  
jade

* * *

hey  
its almost your birthday so i thought id send you a letter. not saying that i wont actually give you a gift or anything but ill shoot another envelope over when the time comes. i just wanted to let you know that i still have your back and if you need anything im here for you. most the times we just seem to talk about stupid things but its not like i wont listen to your other problems too.

its like sburb messed up everything in our lives with weird puzzle shit and time shenanigans but that doesnt mean that its changed how we are all still friends. yeah its sappy as hell but whatever. its the truth. thats what bros are for right dude?

so anyway if you need someone to talk to just hit me up. dave strider will always have the time for his best bro. 

stay cool  
dave

* * *

Jade,  
Since the last time you sent me an instant message of concern, I have been attempting to crack John's case. Unfortunately for us all, be seems to be rather badly stuck in his vacation trip to Egypt and will not divulge any information to either Dave or me. This is worrisome, as it might be related to the long -suppressed agitation from Sburb, which we have all been harboring, but if he won't admit it to himself—or worse, does not understand what is bothering him at all—he certainly will not be jumping at the chance to admit to us. 

Perhaps John simply needs more time to reflect on his emotions and reach his point of enlightenment. It would certainly not help to try and speed along this process via subtle hints, but as the situation sits, and we have not the barest iota of an idea what might be plaguing our brave friendleader's deepest thoughts, we cannot do anything, save wait. I understand that this is a high source of mental agitation, but we must be patient. Just as we bided our time through The Critical Moment shall we bide our time through this conundrum.

John is a strong individual, and I do not doubt his ability to resolve his issues, no matter how long it will take. We have all overcome our own obstacles, and while it is difficult to watch him struggle so, we can do no more.

Just make sure that he is keeping himself well physically and do your best to support him mentally. Dave and I will be doing the same, but since you are the most accessible to him out of us three, a majority of these responsibilities will fall upon you. In the chance that this becomes too worrisome or taxing upon your mind and body, do not forget that we are a mere Pesterchum message away.

Be strong, Jade. We will be fine at the end of this very, very long day.

Rose

* * *

dear karkat,

it’s hard to believe it, but it’s already my birthday! i’m fourteen now, and it’s officially the one-year anniversary to when we first played sburb. a lot has changed since then. everyone is settled in their “new” lives, and it seems like the world really does keep spinning, no matter what.

i kept writing these letters to you, in hopes that you will somehow get them, but i have no idea how that train of thought worked. i never even tried sending them out! then again, i don’t even know where i would try to send it to in the first place… :/

to this day, none of us have been able to locate your pesterchum handles, so just as it’s a year since we played sburb, it’s also been a year since any of us got to talk to you guys. even so, we still talk about you guys a lot, just for the sake of remembering. 

by the way, i’ve been having a lot of dreams lately. i mean, i’ve always had them, but since the date to my birthday approached, they seemed to get more and more frequent. they’re nothing like the dreams i used to get while i was still god tier, and they’re not like the ones in the dream bubbles either, but just… dreams. dreams about what happened in the game and stuff.

like when i first entered lowas, did the windy thing, and met you guys! even though a lot of bad things happened because of sburb, i don’t regret having played it. i learned a lot from it and got to meet rose, dave, and jade in real life for the first time then! but i think the best part of having played sburb was being able to meet you all! :) 

at the end of the dream, i woke up feeling really, really sad. it felt so real that i didn't remember that it was actually all over now. I was so lost afterward that jade had to shake me a few times just to get be back to earth!

but man, karkat, it really DID hurt.... it was like i was missing a huuuuge chunk of myself or something.

i don't know! just being able to remember the way you growled at us, all angry-like, or glared at me when i laughed at you... it made me want to cry or something.

now that it's been a year, there's this terrible sense of finality, as if this is it. we couldn't find you after so long, so it's like this is it.... we really won't be able to talk to you guys anymore. maybe this was how it was meant to be, but i still feel really bad about it....

i don’t think i was ever able to tell you, but i was actually really scared when we first came face-to-face with each other!! i didn’t really know what to expect, since i didn’t even know what you looked like. and i couldn’t believe you really did yell all the time, just like when you were typing! it was kind of silly, how much you yelled, actually. hehehe.

it was nice, though, being able to see to you in person. i mean, you even managed to bring your yelling to a grumble for me! it’s too bad we only got to talk for a little bit before the scratch happened. but i’m glad we even got to chat for such a short moment, because after getting trolled by you so much, i had actually really wanted to meet you.

and i was incredibly happy too. even though we didn't really talk except for that one day, it still felt like we knew each other really well. maybe it was because of all the things we had to go through "together"! planning everything must have been super tough on you, but it all worked out, so i think it was all worth it!

to be honest, it's kind of hard to remember what you looked like. it's been a so long, though. have you changed in appearance? maybe gotten taller?? i think i was taller than you the last time we met, right? hehehe! don't try to deny it, karkat!! hmmm, i think the thing i remember most about you were how weird your eyes were, all yellow-orange like that on the outside and super dark on the inside!! it was kind of INTENSE! :P

hahaha, look at me, getting sappy and weird again! i don't mean to freak you out or anything. it's just hard for me to write a letter without getting all sentimental, since it's the one-year anniversary of sburb and all. it should mean something, you know? and i guess...

karkat, i guess what i’m trying to say is that i just

really, really miss you. 


End file.
